RCG-I Seasonal Salon Fall Equinox 2009

A Crone's Journey to the Deep

Her feet shuffle as she walks. There is a look of uncertainty in her eyes...aware that she is no longer in control. Her mind has not been working as it once did; she has known that for several years. For a while she could work around it. She could find the tricks that might help her remember or that would stall for time as she searched the recesses of her mind for an answer or a clue. But the caverns in her mind have continued to grow. And the light that once showed the way has faded. The world within her mind has narrowed and at the same time deepened.

She feels a different calling now, a deeper calling, a calling that makes no sense to those around her, a calling that frightens those who love her. She is called to explore the depths, the caverns of her mind, knowing that as she descends she will never fully return. The pull is strong and yet the desire to remain connected to those she loves is equally strong. She feels torn.

As a mother, she wonders if she has done enough to prepare her children. They are all grown now. The youngest son has graduated from college and has begun to find his way. She knows that some, especially her youngest daughter will continue to struggle for a while, seeking the path which is right for her. For some it came easier, and she knows that the path for her daughter will be more difficult. She would like to be there to help her children, and yet the Crone knows her own path is calling. She knows that it will be more difficult than she can imagine. So she casts a thread, connecting her heart to her daughter's, and begins on the path of her own darkness. She has not said good-bye and will not for some time yet, she is committed to stay for a while longer. It is time to begin her own journey, knowing that where she goes, no one can follow.

She begins to descend deeper and deeper into that inner world, into the depths of the soul. Fear is her companion with every step, as is courage. It is an interesting partnership, fear and courage. At times fear can be strong and paralyzing. Then courage arises, sometimes just enough to stand firm in the face of fear, sometimes to venture one step deeper, and sometimes to pull her back a step to wait until the fear subsides ever so slightly. It is a long descent, a slow descent, and it will be hard on both her and for those around her.

In her day, she was an active mother, teacher, mentor and community organizer. Her love for people was contagious, her spark of life inspiring. Adventurous and fearless, she loved life and all it had to offer. And when the darkness of Alzheimer's began to close in on her, life offered her a depth and descent she had never imagined. The choice was not really hers, and yet she had choice. She could choose how deep to go, and how long to explore the depths. And her courage and determination allowed her to go deeper than anyone had would have dreamed. She could have stepped out at anytime, stepped into another dimension when ever she chose. Unfortunately even some of those closest to her did not realize hers was a journey to the depth. They only saw a lifeless shell. They had lost the ability to look deep into her eyes to see the courage and fire still burning strong, the same love of life and same love of people.

She is Crone. Crone of the deep. Crone of the deep journey. She is courageous and wise. She is gentle and strong. She moves slowly, deliberately. She holds all that she experiences close to her heart. Because she does not always react, they believe that she does not understand, but she does. She understands more than they do. She understands more deeply and more completely. They think that her world has closed in on her, that her world has shrunk, when in fact her world has expanded. The entrance into this new world is deep within, but her world of experience has expanded to other dimensions and other planes of experience.

Her body grows weaker. Her physical strength wanes. Cataracts cover her eyes. Her words have been reduced to guttural utterances. Her spirit is still strong, for those who know where to find it. And the day will come, when the thread to this world will be severed and new connections made, through alternate dimensions.

Time passes.

The crone's earthly walk has since ended.

As we come to the season of Peresphone's Change in Consciousness, when we honor the wisdom of the descent and journey to the Innerworld, I honor the her once again. I honor her wisdom, gentleness, love, courage, and depth. I honor her fear, her struggle and her triumph. To this day, when I see an older womoon, frail in body, perhaps frail in mind, I am overcome with a deep compassion mixed with sadness. Compassion for this beautiful spirit and sadness for my own loss. I am grateful for the gift my crone mother gave to me by allowing me to witness her journey. And I honor her. And while my choice for her journey may have been different, I see the gift that she gave me and give thanks.