RCG-I Seasonal Salon Summer Solstice 2008

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On Going Silent

Game of Life

The Midsummer Dancers

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On Going Silent

The hardest commitment I made in my life was my vows to my spiritual community. The past two years have been a constant stress for me and realization of the consequences of my own choices. I have always been the outspoken, blunt, and sometimes brusque person. I am amazed at my own hard learned lesson on being quiet and calm. When was the precise moment I became the silent one that speaks thoughtfully? When did I cross the great divide?

Part of this was my lesson to learn before ordination. I never understood that my voice was strong, piercing and sometimes volatile until the Goddess, Deb Trent, had to sit down and speak to me of how I need to learn to keep silent. I have carried this lesson with me for ten years. It has not been easy for me. I am naturally calm, I am not naturally silent. I am not talking about not speaking for myself, or against oppression or keeping silent around injustice. I am talking about learning to hold my words in my heart look at them gently and only speak with compassion especially when I am angry, upset or emotionally involved. I have become in some ways silent in our community for the last two years. Silence is good. Silence is.

Hel* is Dame Called Second Saturn Return
Goddess held me close even when I forgot she was there standing next to me, flowing around me and living inside me. Some of my deepest held beliefs were challenged and my understanding of who I am in the world was made clear. I feel like I have been walking in the mists searching for Avalon while forgetting that Avalon is beneath my feet. The reality of day to day life is the great Mother clicking away the sacredness of life. The searching of spirit place, the sacred center of our beings is never stagnant but like Chaos Theory, has moments of calm. Silence held me in the calm. Silence freed me from the thousands of words clanging inside my head. Silence took away the “shoulds” and “ought tos”.

I needed the deep earthly silence of being grounded from whence I came. I had to go home. In order for me to ground I needed to be at the sea. Bury my feet in the sand and be balanced like the Temperance card. I found people who became family, whose life choices met mine, whose commitment to fringe communities reflected mine. I moved back to the west coast and created a new life in new communities. Well, Hel, She never told me recreating was so painful and jarring! That is what happens when you hang out with Underworld Goddesses, they like to watch you squirm through rebirth.

I barely remember my first Saturn return, I am sure it was horrid, filled with angst, screaming, anger and intense passions. Well, Hel, the second one has been a rollercoaster of wonder and terror. I have plowed my way through it, losing lots of baggage along the way. I also lost some friends, but I truly believe that friendships are also ebb and flow. Some end like the tower tumbling down and some end with a whisper of mist left behind. I have worked through the pain of questioning my purpose in life, the questioning of my integrity and come through with a smile and a calmness that is deeper than any well. I am no longer the flame, I am the lava core. Hot. Slow. Steady.

I am shedding skin. I shed old ways, old places and now I am shedding things. Things are hard for me to get rid of. As a child I was allowed one box of personal items when we moved. I have tried to keep everything since! When Bellezza began giving things away several years ago I was in total shock. Give away your books? Your dishes? Oh my Goddess. I think I gathered ten more boxes of books just in protest.

When Nancy began teaching about Feng shui, I believe I gave her the “you have got to be kidding look”. I always say it is my Taurus cusp self that clings to things like a baby to its bottle. Oh, Hel, No. I will keep my things, I will say my piece, I will splatter my emotions across the universe. I will be dramatic. I will cling to my objects. I will not be moved.

Hel. Oh. You have to hand it to Goddess; She is sometimes a mean ass femme. She kicked my ass and I actually, in the silence, heard her. I have donated almost all my books to the library. I have recycled pounds of papers, magazines, and brochures. The memory survives even when the paper is recycled and used again. I have divested of more vases, chachkis, and pure junk then I care to even think about. I continue to go through boxes and divest of things I no longer need to make me feel grounded. I am home. I live next to the beach and sea. I feel grounded.

The air flows freely through my house, through my emotions and through my heart. Contemplation has become my sweet home. My home is stable. My heart is filled with amazing love and gentle purpose. I have learned the meaning of service. I have learned to graciously accept service as a respectful acknowledgement of my age and knowledge. In the silence I have learned to listen deeply to those who have gone before me with a renewed awe and respect. I listen with wonder to Her singing sweet melodies into my ear and I rejoice in the stillness.

I have worked my way through my second Saturn return, make-me-crazy-oh-pause, a move across country, a complete change in life-style, brand new relationships (oy), and several thousand pounds of books. I have learned contemplative silence. Am I perfect at it? No. Have I learned many of the great lessons of silence? Yes. I have become the calm one. I am the one that speaks truth with compassion, tact and timing. Go figure?

I have new priorities and have refreshed old ones. I have a twenty year relationship with a saint. I have taken a new look at a previous relationship and found my heart again. I live in meditative assurance that all energy both overt and covert blend into the universe. I serve. I serve even in my silence.

*Hel ("the Hidden" from the word hel,"to conceal") is the Norse goddess of the dead, ruler of the nine worlds of the Land of Mist. The name Hel was applied both to the Queen of the Underworld and the land itself, and it is thought that the land gave the Queen Her name. In the late Christianized form of the myth, when Hel became Hell, she was said to be the daughter of Loki, who was equated with Lucifer. Hel is the Goddess of simultaneous endings and beginnings, the point at which the circle is completed. She is integrity, as opposites unite to form a stronger whole.